Well, with the words of an old school teacher " the idea is good but the painting is rubbish" ringing in my ears, I continue to attempt to make intuitive reponses to Ken's musings. Naturally, as the painting is progressing, the desire to decorate comes into being. Also, the knowing when to stop and when to carry on begins to emerge. Oh, it's a real head in hands moment but a healthy reminder of what I am attempting to do - you know, that fuck it up stage and then the possibility of something stronger emerging. What has been really interesting so far is, working all sides of the canvasses and seeing if it can be read in any direction and if when separated each section works as an individual image. God, I wish I had a much larger studio, you know one where there is the space to move and not bump into, knock over etc.. Some may say that I just need to be more organised, tidy and to paint much smaller; "what's he doing it for anyway and where is he going to put it?" has been voiced, answer: because I do not want to stand still and I have no idea. The reality is this is a lot harder than I imagined it would be, for all sorts of reasons, one being all the baggage of image making that I have amassed, habits, tricks and fears.

Where do you start? At the beginning when all your thoughts are at the end or at least in the middle? You have the idea but are hesitant to make a mark in case it is the wrong one and it will immediately be noticed. Then again, maybe if you don’t do anything it will happen naturally. What if having started you change your mind about where it is going and what you are trying to say with it. The difficulty surely lies with the notion of failure, that ever present looming mass of doom that is sure to guide you into its soul sucking path and to cast so many doubts about your own abilities to express anything remotely worthwhile; worthwhile, how do you measure this abstract concept?

 At what point does it become worthless and have no place? Surely it is enough that the desire to express a thought, an opinion, is a sign that it is not necessarily worthless by any measure, after all this is subjective analysis rather than objective. How do you manage to maintain objectivity when your thoughts are clouded by uncertainty in your own ability to have your voice heard? This creates a spiral of despair that like a vortex encapsulates you and makes procrastination the order of the day. Then begins the battle, a battle that involves countless attempts to kick-start the process of creativity. How long has it simmered, how long have you kept watch on this, how long are you going to allow it to remain hidden because of fear that you will be wrong; wrong because you have spent too long thinking about it and in the end it becomes so diluted that it has no substance. So, you don’t start and then feel guilty that you haven’t started. At what point are you able to bridge this schism that lies before you? At what point will the weight of doubt that hangs suspended deep in the recesses of your thoughts allow you the mobility that is necessary to begin?  To embark on a journey that has no known destination and no timeframe creates a sense of trepidation; and it is this sense of trepidation that allows the thoughts to be cloaked in that veil of doubt. Yes, it waits there in the shadows, just waiting for you to make your move, a moments hesitation and it has you, sapping your energy levels; you know you must carry on, you must fight the temptation to pause and reflect, because it is at this precise moment that you will stumble and the very weight of it will pin you down: And once it has you within its grasp it will not let go, it will flood every inlet with doubt, it will make sure that every pore is permeated with its poison and only when it is certain that the infection has taken hold will it abate. Oh, how it mocks you, how it taunts you, knowingly. It wants you to fight, it needs you to fight, because without a fight it cannot sustain its life force, it relies on your doubts to allow it to burrow its way into your very being. 

Where do you start? 

Really need to try and get this up on wall ... hmmm